Lies
1:53 AM
Suicide, the ultimate "fuck you" to another's face.
How many times have I juggled with this idea. And how many more have I found myself knocking on death's door. There is a reason why I must still be here. Why I must have survived to tell the tale. So let me channel once again that decaying spirit to en.light.
How many times have I juggled with this idea. And how many more have I found myself knocking on death's door. There is a reason why I must still be here. Why I must have survived to tell the tale. So let me channel once again that decaying spirit to en.light.
Cornered.
At dead end, braindead.
I, pushed to my wits' end, can no longer think straight. Precision, I don't care to think straight. Nothing matters. And pleasures, extinct. Everyday looks more or less the same. Hint, tint, one shade of grey. Reason, an alien concept. No way to reason with myself and certainly no reason to set up alarm, at night.
A peek inside the frigid mind, some leftover thoughts remain.
At dead end, braindead.
I, pushed to my wits' end, can no longer think straight. Precision, I don't care to think straight. Nothing matters. And pleasures, extinct. Everyday looks more or less the same. Hint, tint, one shade of grey. Reason, an alien concept. No way to reason with myself and certainly no reason to set up alarm, at night.
A peek inside the frigid mind, some leftover thoughts remain.
"Surely, this world will be happier without me."
What is the point to anything? Life has entirely collapsed on itself after all. It'd be futile to try to rebuild it for I am out of ressources, literally. Mind you, I have tried everything to patch up the mess but what can I say, I was down on luck?
"I hate...everything."
My sanity must have run out of business, otherwise it'd have spared me a buck. Is there really nothing left? Not a single happy thought, nor a sad one? Why does my mind only operates now in despair & anger? And what is this constant turmoil, churning? I am numbed, outnumbered, by own pitiful selves. I just really, really don't give a damn anymore.
It is okay though. Nobody cares about me anyway. Even if some did, it'd be too late. Too late, you hear? So let those ugly motherfuckers cry and burn. Burn mother burn.
At last, let me feel empowered. On my way to, final.destination.
Give me back the dignity that I crave and deserve. You, who want to control and shackle my entirety, I say, my life will be mine to take. O how I wish to see your face when you witness the death of your only son. And that realization, that you have pushed me too far, to the point of no return.
Happy-go-bloody?
Look, your investment will be gone with the wind, and all these years, wasted. What will you be living for now? I hope you suffer, feel the pain that I now feel. Then the rest will be history, the rest, I wouldn't give a fuck.
Give me back the dignity that I crave and deserve. You, who want to control and shackle my entirety, I say, my life will be mine to take. O how I wish to see your face when you witness the death of your only son. And that realization, that you have pushed me too far, to the point of no return.
Happy-go-bloody?
Look, your investment will be gone with the wind, and all these years, wasted. What will you be living for now? I hope you suffer, feel the pain that I now feel. Then the rest will be history, the rest, I wouldn't give a fuck.
I wouldn't leave anything behind, not even an explanatory note. I don't need to report to you and you certainly don't deserve a closing statement from me. But it is all your fault, it is. Know, that you are the murderer. Yes, you did it. Please never recover from this, ever.
How should I accomplish my heart's desire? Drowning, incineration, sounds painful. Guns, illegal. Jumping off the roof? Might leave me crippled. If I liked gore, I would go for a ride under the train, but nah. What about pills? That could work. I'd just sleep it off, forever.
Moment of truth.
Am I ready for this?
...
...
...
No.
Is nobody going to be sad over my death? No one at all? How sad, my tiny existence. I wish at least one would come to funerals, to shed a few silent tears over dead bod. To mourn, over a lost soul. To remember, the glory of what flesh used to be. I wonder if people will move on, fast. I guess we are all but passing in this life, forgetting. Yesterday was but a blur, today, old memories.
I wish someone did care. That someone reached out to me and talked me out of my foolishness, misery. I do want something to look forward to. Do want to be able to laugh again. So am I throwing in the towel too fast?
Truthfully, I am scared. Scared to take life away, for I don't want to die. Once a chicken, always a chicken. Still quacking, me speaking. Why can't any bones back me up here? Coward, forward. Can't even kill myself right. What a shame. Guess am a failure after all. My parents were right. They were right all along.
Is that sadness I feel? Impossible. I didn't know I was still capable. And those tears, weird.
Yes, I just want to be loved. To be needed, good enough.
That's all.
That's all.
