I have been a so-called "Christian" for three years now.
Yet, I think I am only starting to grasp the meaning of sin.

It's really hard to understand everything else, such as God's grace/mercy when you don't know what you have been forgiven for. I mean what is this sin that is so terrible and so sinister that Jesus had to die on the cross for? I used to think that sinning is lusting, at least for men. That is why every time I lust, I would ask for forgiveness for my sins. And when I don't lust, I feel sinless. But I think that does not represent the entire picture. I might have missed the mark on some level. So I've been reading this book called iGod by Dr. Greg Mitchell and his thoughts were able to give me some new perspectives.

Sin is fundamentally everything that destroys relationships. Relationship with other people. Relationship with God. Sin is selfishness. My sinful nature prevents me from loving other people. Sometimes I just don't feel any love towards people and sometimes, I just straight up don't want to give a pho. When my own problems start to accumulate, other people can just wait in line. I mean why should I care about others at all right? Sometimes, I wonder why do people care about me anyway.


Relationships feel taxing to me sometimes, most of the times, and I just want to avoid. On the other hand, I have also wondered why nobody cares about me. Is it b/c I am unlovable? Not good enough? Naturally, my self-centeredness makes everything revolve around me. I have to be happy before anyone else. And loving the poor? That is the least of my problem. I don't even dare looking at them on the street b/c I am afraid that I might feel pity towards them. And what if God calls me to give them money? Cringing. Why does God always ask me to do these things anyway. I just don't care really. I have much better things to do with my life. God's plan for me is too difficult. He will ask me to give up things I don't want to. He will challenge me beyond my comfort zone and that is just too much. What if he asks me to become a poor missionary and walk the earth helping other poor people, like what Jesus did? Thus, let me extinguish any divine desires still left in my heart. Let me make up excuses, or come up with any rational justifications for my selfish behaviors. I despise relationships and I fear the idea of reconciliation. You mean I have to go up to my father and tell him that I forgive him for all these years of emotional abuse and unavailability? Preposterous. Inconceivable. How can I forgive a man who caused so much pain in my life. I honestly can't even remember much of the damages that were done. Repression. Self-preservation. But I have to find some forgiveness in me right? If I want to be a good Christian doing the right things, I would have to amend my relationship with my father one day right? Though, hopefully, someone else will preach the good news to him so that he can become a Christian before I even try anything fancy. That way, I wouldn't need to do anything at all and life would be easy again and our relationship would probably still suck but hey at least we'd both be Christians.

Enough evidences that I am a sinner. So what's next?

There's actually a growing desire and a change of heart in me recently. I think I finally realized that nothing can ever fulfill me like God can. None of my passions/hobbies can sustain me. I mean the fire dies so fast that I don't even know why I was interested in the activity itself in the first place. Like writing this blog for example. I have been uninspired for so long now. I wrote and scraped off many entries. Moreover, my desire for knowledge only brought me so far. Tried to read more books and more blogs. But what does more knowledge achieve in life anyway? I realized that human knowledge can only go so far. Even if I acquired all the knowledge that I possible can, I probably will forget them anyway. If you don't believe me, go to university. Playing an instrument? It's been weeks that I haven't gone to my sax classes let alone touched dat thang. I mean why would I want to learn an instrument if I don't even have anyone to play it to? I don't even remember why I wanted to play sax in the first place. TV shows. I have almost finished watching the sixth season of the Big Bang Theory, but I just know that at the end of that, I will be left as empty as when I have started the season. In fact, the reason why I want to finish watching all the episodes is so I can feel productive, so I can feel there's some meaning in my life, purpose. Did I mention I started to play League of Legends again? I was hooked up once again. I would play tens of matches everyday until I can't play any more. And at night, when I am not able to fall asleep, I would open up a game and play until I exhaust my brain to the point of shutting down. It was just like back in the days when I tried to intoxicate myself to sleep with alcohol. I am glad those days are gone. Oh wait, you also get terrible hangovers with LOL. Em terrible headaches. Fortunately, I got food poisoning these past 3 days and that sobered me enough that I decided to delete the game. It was a painful three days. Nausea, dehydration, constant headache and number 2.5. I just couldn't bear with the pain. I almost didn't want to live any more. The good news is I've decided to follow Jesus again. I remember how I used to be much happier and fulfilled when I was walking faithfully with God and serving other people. Everything was easier in a sense. I would be more passionate in life. I had the desire to connect with people. And most importantly, I felt I had a purpose. What's my purpose now? I think I am starting to get it again.


Love is really incredible. It is definitely true that money can't buy love. And I am pretty sure you can't simply alter your brain's neurotransmitters to create the state of being loved. And forget about learning to love through your parents. Try God. He is the source of love, We are designed/wired to function on this energy, true love at least. If I look at my parents, they do not know what real love is. For them, life merely consists of making money (then spending it). That gives them a seemingly stability and purpose. My mom would try to compensate her unfulfillment in life by buying clothes or commodities for herself, my dad and me. It's so sad to see her go like that. She doesn't have any motivation in life beside the cash flow. She has told me many times that if it weren't for me, she would have committed suicide a long time ago. That really traumatized me growing up. Plus, she doesn't give a shoot about her health, but she'd constantly complain to me about how this joint of hers hurt or how this spot is sore, etc. And I'd tell her to go see the doctor and she'd tell me that she'd rather die. No wonder I always wanted to kill myself whenever things get tough. Parents modelling. Anyway, this is all to say that I wish my mom would know true love. I actually had a vision of her dying recently and that really shook me. It made me realize that I haven't been a much loving son to her. I think I am ready to take care of my mom from now on. One more reason for needing God in my life. I think I am at a point where I do not even want to doubt God's existence any more. I have enough proofs and enough needs that push me to believe in God. I don't see how I can live my life in a way that will make me feel entirely fulfilled. Worst case, if I found a better way/philosophy of life later on, I can always unsubscribe to Christianity. But at the end of the day, I would always go back to Christianity. It's just like this prophet that I met in Calgary said, a relationship with God is really just like any relationships. The more you frequent someone and the more you learn to love that person, the easier it would be for you to reconcile with that person after conflicts and problems. He said he has strayed away from God many times, but choosing to come back to Him gets easier each time. That was really encouraging for me to hear, especially since I struggle with commitments. But don't we all at some level.

There you go, some inspiration for ya. I actually wanted to write this entry yesterday when I was in bed, but the headache prevented me from getting up. I was scared that I might lose the inspiration in the morning, but hey, just like what Jesus said, have no fear. It feels good when you have something to write about and when everything comes naturally.

I shall put in a minimum of editing this time. As long as you guys understand me, this blog will survive.