I will try something different this week.
Instead of writing a whole chunk one shot, I am going to write a bit errday in order to regulate my thoughts. We'll see how it goes.

~Monday~

Realized today that I have absolutely no filter + boundaries. People have been telling me this previously, but it just never clicked. (like the movie)

Story time:

Wake up in the morning feeling like...Aladdin and thought of creating a whole new world by purging the past. And what better way to start afresh than by cleansing my FB aka deleting all my past statuses!

As I was prancing through the seemingly infinite stream of my digital thoughts, I was gripped by the fact that my past posts sound straight up annoying and whiny + lacking in filter.

If I remembered correctly, the wise Brian once told me that my FB posts are showy, as if I was asking for attention. He was right.

I have no more desire to share.

"Do not take the situation to the extreme", roomie would say.
Alright, fair enough. (also something roomie would say). I could consider replacing my automatic with a manual (mouth). Sometimes, I feel like I talk faster than I think (anyone relates?) The reason is probably b/c I think not in the first place.

"I do not always think, but when I do, it is painful."

Wouldn't you agree that it is quite excruciating to be considerate towards people? I mean why do we have to please others? What social norms?

Roomie: "There you go, black and white thinking again. Add some grey."

I swear my roomie's voice has become my superego.

I guess efforts are required in everything. But I wonder if there's an energy conservative way of proceeding. Or maybe greener social conventions.

In any case, I've made some progress over the years. I mean look at my FB statuses (not that you can anymore since I deleted all of them). I used to preach so much on FB. And those God dedicated ones,

Man, having these kind of realization about yourself is definitely not pleasant. It's like that rude awakening one morn realizing you are a whore (no offense to actual whores), an attention whore in this case. If only we were all perfect, then I wouldn't have to deal with my developmental issues.

I think I am complaining again.

Myself: "Why are you complaining about me complaining? Why can't you accept me?"

I: "Cause you a LOSER!"

Myself: "But that's how dad used to label me."

I: "Well, he was spot-on."

Superego: "Maybe I should accept myself."

Shameful silence

...

...

There there, past selves, I embrace thee, even though it's devastating to do so.

Question: Would you guys befriend yourself if you were to meet yourself in real life? 

I probably wouldn't. My fictitious self probably wouldn't befriend me either (since we think alike). Maybe I should just go easy on myself. I mean I am just a person like everyone else. Everyone needs compassion.

Actually, I prefer affirmation..

But why is that?

Answer: crappy self-image

Now that I think about it, it's really funny how the tiniest dent on my self-image could my graham crumb.

Bonus analogy: it's like viewing yourself in a dirrty mirror.

I need to find some better material with which to build my self-image. Or maybe I should clean my dusty mirror once in a while. Or...I can always just forget about everything and run away.

Taking a bus would be preferable to walking though.

You know, growing up, people would label me as cute or innocent. I guess I've always been like a child, with no sense of boundaries, which would explain the lack of self-control. Roomie thinks he's cute too. It's the clean-shaved face, he said. I guess all Asian men (and women) are cute. We are nothing but cute doe. Doh.

~Saturday~

I just love Sheldon. He also has no filter either as I've come to discover.

Moving on.

Additional news, I think I have finally cracked under pressure.

Reflecting on your past can be pretty darn devastating. Feels like I wasted a lot of time in the past being depressed and angry at my parents.

+ Realized I compare myself too much to other people.

+ Writing this blog doesn't feel as exciting as the last couple of weeks. There are some pressure to entertain, which kinda defeats the purpose. Motivation gets drained down the toilet. I originally wanted to write to keep peeps updated, but it has now become a counselling session with myself of sort.

Moving along.

First world problems. I lilly lilly want to go to grad school.

You know, so I can leave everything behind and start over again.

Problem: low 3.0 GPA.

Career advisor suggested I consider a master in social work, which would be only one year + one qualifying year for those with an undergrad degree.

Problem: low 3.0 GPA < 3.2 for the qualifying year

I'd have to go back to undergrad again to boost my GPA.

But can I really afford 4 more years in school? Do I want to drag my parents into this again? I think they've done enough to support me all these years.

I just hate going on trips, guilt-trips in this case.

I swear, if my parents weren't alive at this very moment, I'd feel much freer.

Typical victim mentality.

Roomie told me he never cared about his mama's expectations towards him. I envy him.

I guess I just need some time to think, to ask myself the big questions of life.