Good question.

I have no idea to be honest.
I can tell you how movies portray em.

Caucasian. Muscled. Suave. Ladies charmer. Pimp cars. Heroic. Unaffected. You get the picture.

Growing up, my dad also taught me a thing or two on manhood. A simple lesson really. He told me to protect mom and all women dear to my heart. But see, I was a tad confused with his philosophy.

"So you mean the son is supposed to defend his mom against an abusive dad?"

Indeed, I grew up witnessing and experiencing physical abuse in my lil broken sanctuary called home. I was very protective of my mom. Every time my dad laid a hand or foot on her, my hatred towards him grew and brew, like bitter foam being poured out of a bottomless pitcher. But what can a powerless boy do anyway? I advised my mom over and over again to divorce my dad. She refused with good reasons. She explained that she needed to stay with him for my sake. I think I can understand her decisions now. I mean it would be tough for her to live as a single immigrant mother who, first, didn't speak the prevalent languages well and second, didn't have any support system in this foreign country. But back then, I was convinced that I was the reason why my dad was beating my mom up and why my mom was enduring the beating. I think it would be fair to describe my mental state back then as traumatized. I almost hated my male identity. A man had to bear too many responsibilities that a little boy of 12 years old did not how to. In fact, every time someone spoke the word "man" to/around me, I cringed a little. I had no clue what they meant by that word. And I wanted to stay far far away from manhood. I wanted to stay a boy forever, like Pikachu's Ashe.

As this mentality rooted deeper into my psyche, I started to also dissociate myself from activities that I perceived as manly, notably sports, courtship, sex talks, fighting, cars, tools, girls browsing, or whatever guys would do back in those days. I was afraid to approach and converse with guys too. I just never felt manly enough around them and who knew, they could probably all beat me up like my dad would too. So people always told me I was "girly".
I sat too girly.
Ran too girly.
Talked too girly.
My name was too girly.
No wonder I had no friends in high school, I was too girly! #enlightenment

"I guess if I am not "manly" enough, I can always try to be funny by acting stupid. Perhaps in that way, people won't focus so much on my "girlishness."

So I became the laughingstock of the class. I tried & tried to be nice to people around me, although I was really shy deep down inside, like a wilted daisy. Since the speech didn't come out right because I was still learning French back then, I resorted to buying people stuff to earn their love, like my mom would do to me. One time, I asked my mom to buy this huge chocolate cake from Costco for my classmates. She agreed obviously. #mywisheswerehercommands She was pleasing me and I was pleasing my classmates. Like mom, like son.
Did it work? Did I gain any popularity?
Not a tidbit.
If I remembered correctly, I still ended up being a huge loser at the end of high school.

And my "nice" streak continued in CEGEP. This time, I was being more outgoing and strategic in my approach. And I was finally being recognized. I guess people's growth in maturity probably had something to do with my newfound popularity. And my funnyXpeople-pleasing combo earned me quite a few interesting titles too.
#cute
#innocent
#sweet
#nice (guy)
#friend (zoned)

I was liked as a filler. A replaceable, trash-able, single-use coffee filter. #useless

Do these memories cause me pain when I talk about it?
-> Yes.
Do I like talking about it?
-> What do you think? Of course not.
Why do I put myself in this situation then?
-> Because my story is being redeemed.

I now know that it is okay to just be myself. And if people don't like me the way I am, it would make me sad for sure but it wouldn't devastate me so much anymore. I am trying not to please people as much, but I still catch myself doing it. Behavioral modification is never easy I guess. But it works in my favor sometimes, being a PP ofc. The whole premise behind the art of PP-ing is that you try to manipulate people into liking you by being someone you are not. Who doesn't like to be liked right? I do. However, I want to be able to discard all those pretense/acting and simply be me. You know. That genuine me that I have come to know over the years. In life, you tried and you failed. Oranges and apples. But before going to bed at night, I know I am fully loved and accepted in Jesus. It sounds crazy. I know.

"And where is this Jesus of yours? Tell him to send me a FB msg please." (inspired by my dad)

It's funny because my dad once asked me to find Jesus in space, like beyond Earth's atmosphere.

Is Jesus just a figment of my imagination? Or a conscious effort from my delusional self to please my ego? Maybe I am really just conjuring up some schizo alter personality with whom I can talk to when I feel sad. That must be it! I must be a psychotic and traumatized person with a comorbidity of dissociative identity disorder. That would make way more sense than the existence of a God! Well, there you go. In that case, I would advise you to avoid me next time you see me on the street. Who knows what I might do. To you.

In all seriousness. I just want to tell you guys that it hasn't been an easy journey this whole Christian thing. It is an understatement to say that I struggled in believing in the existence of a God. I can say with confidence that I probably cared more about how I was viewed by other people than about my faith. It was honestly a crazy ride drifting left/right/up/down on this rollercoastery and joysticky voyage. But for some reason, this "imaginary" God always came through in those toughest times of my life. It'd be too extensive to recount all my stories here, but I can say with confidence, again, that I am arriving at a point where it would be stupid for me not to believe in God.

It is a relief for me to know that He is always watching me and protecting me from all evil and even from myself. Don't worry you privacy freaks, He is not voyeuristic. However, wouldn't you say that the problem lies more with us than Him? Aren't we the ones with things to hide, things to be ashamed of. Perhaps that is why we don't like to be exposed. Perhaps that is why we need all these confidentiality laws to protect ourselves.
Just now, I scratched my buttocks and sniffed it. At a public restaurant.
Why did I do that?
I have no idea.
Do I feel embarrassed?
Like a ninja.

#thosemoments

But Jesus loves us despite all those imperfections and shady business ventures.
I repeat.
Jesus loves you.
Yes you!
It is okay if you find religions or religious rules stupid.
I am with you on that one.
But Jesus was a real human being who walked and talked.
A walkie-talkie he was.
And you'd be surprised to find out what he actually talked about in the Bible.
He never judged homosexuals.
Or Muslims.
Or homeless peeps.
Or prostitutes.
Or you.
And he never told anyone to go to hell, except to the Pharisees, those religious freaks back in the days who made everyone's lives miserable by imposing rules and laws that condemned people instead of setting them free.
Sounds familiar?
Might sound like a Christian that you knew or saw on TV right?
But I just want to lay it out there, Christians are imperfect, just like you and me.
In fact, we are all falling short in one way or another.
If you say Christians are judging, wouldn't you be judging them too?
I know. So many double, triple, quadruple standards.

There was this story in the Bible where a prostitute was being condemned to death by the Pharisees. They were going to throw stones at her until she kaputt. Then Jesus came along and said something interesting,

"Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her."

Curiously, everyone left the scene when they heard that.

In the same way, I would also say to you, if you feel like you never judged anyone in your life, then feel free to condemn and bash Christians as much as you want. #gogetthem And while you are at it, I do want to acknowledge and apologize for the fact that Christians do tend to represent Jesus terribly at times. A true human condition I tell you. Somehow, it is much easier for us (any of us) to condemn and cast out those who are different. In the Christian case, we sometimes use God's name in vain to justify our own cruel behaviors. To be honest, I think that loving someone well is a tough and hard venture. Personally, I so often don't feel that nice fluffy feeling of love towards people (but then again, love is not a feeling). And sometimes, I just straight up don't give a finger about people. How hypocritical of me. When the God I claim to believe is full of love.

Luckily, Jesus never condemned any of us. And his grace is abundant (aka he forgave it all by dying on the cross; it is okay if this doesn't make sense, it's theology after all).

Thus, at the end of the day, even though we are all constantly judging and hurting each other, let us all be humbled and learn how to care for and love each other better.

The reason why I used the word "humbled" is because the sooner we acknowledge our human conditions, the sooner we can get better. And perhaps somewhere along the way, we might also finally acknowledge our need for a Savior.

I want to end this post with a positive note by saying that I have a lot of hope for the future of our human race. It is okay if wars, terrorism, discrimination, pollution, animal cruelty, etc. still happen, but I believe that my sovereign God will change our hearts, one at a time. I mean he changed mine and is still changing it.

And let the church says, "let His Kingdom come, on earth as it is in heaven."

P.S. I think I finally found a good male model to look up to. I look up to you Jesus, Lord.