I think I know what it feels like to be raped.

Not that I was being forced into sexual intercourse with anyone. God forbids. But there have been many awkward instances, where I have simply been the object of another person's passions. When I was reduced to a hollow sex toy, filled with sadstance. And I wondered, "Why am I even here?", while my body was being grinded upon. Hear me out.

First year university. Life sucked. And family dynamics. Skat as usual. It's the constant bickering with dad. A male dominance thing quoi. One tries to control and the other rebels. The youzh. But it was obviously harder for me to assert myself since I did not own the house I was living in, which had always been my dad's trump card to shut me up.

"You listen to me or you get the fuck out." (Yes we have swears in Mando too.)

You know as a guy, when you can't find agency for your decisions in life, as bad as those decisions could be, you end up feeling pretty emasculated.

Side tangent. I think what most women perhaps don't understand is that yes our society tends to be male dominated, but then again, it's only a few men who get the power while the rest of us men is no different than you women. Something about the men's world. All that competitive and macho jazz. And the reality check. Not everyone gets to be the winner. Perhaps that is why men who feel repressed in their ability to be their own man and choose for themselves tend to have anger issues. Again, remember. Men tend not to disclose themselves emotionally and they are not supported by their male peers to do so, contrarily to women. In a man's vocabulary, emotional output sadly equals to either weaknesses or gayness (not that gay men are less manly than straight men). Thus, having no tangible way to deal with our anger, we men might explode on the people we love, aka women. Maybe rape is as much catharsis as libido driven.

But I digress.

So I thought of moving out of my parents'. And a friend of friend of mine had a vacant room in her apartment. I took on the offer almost immediately. It was a small storage room, but anything will do to get away from family dramas right? It was a chilly first night, sleeping on the floor. But my host was kind enough to invite me to sleep in her room, on her bed. She said she would crash on the couch in the living room.

"How nice of her", I thought to myself.

I was pretty tired at that point, so I caved in without squeezing more zoughts. #zzz. Then I woke up. In the middle of the night. With my female host next to me. She was groping me while making weird noises. And if I remembered correctly, she was in some pretty fitting and revealing attire. The situation was of arousing nature, to say the least. I still never had sex at that point (FYI I am still a virgin, but don't judge), so I was kinda taken aback, not knowing what to do. I told her that I needed to go to the bathroom and left hurriedly. In the loo, I texted one of my more experienced guy friend.

"Hey I think this girl wants to have sex with me. I don't have any condoms with me, what do I do? Also any advice on performance would help. Thanks!"

I waited a bit, but no response obviously. Twas midnight.

Back to the lioness's den. She was waiting for me, clearly horny. I told her I never had sex with anyone before and didn't exactly know how to please her. #rookietalk She told me to just come back to bed with her, which I did. I was quite nervous tbh. It could have been my first time after all. However, something unexpected happened.

The end.

Tell you guys another time.

Ha.

Perks of stories telling. You get to keep your audience in suspense.

Carry on.

She bit me hard, on the neck, like a bitch (referring to a female dog here).

That was a big turn off for me, but I didn't know how to communicate it, because see, men are supposed to always be turned on by women. Performance is important, even in bed. I told her that I was feeling tired and that we should continue whatever we were doing another time, but she kept biting me. So I pretended to fall asleep, while enduring the pain, probably for the next 30 minutes or so, on and off. It was a strange night. I didn't go back there the next day for obvious reasons. There are many more tales like this where my body or lips were used against my will, even by guys. Another story for another time. I honestly don't know how to feel about all this. Am I trying to make a big deal out of it? Nope. Why? Honestly, I don't think people would believe the story of a guy being raped. My guy friends would probably ask me why I was acting like such a pussy, not having fucked the chick. And others might wonder if I was gay. Is it me or there is something wrong with these perceptions? To think that men are invulnerable to violence or abuse. That men are always the predators and never the victim. That men don't experience the frailty of being a human.

Anywayz. I guess I am not particularly SM oriented. No offense to those who are. Whatever suits your cup of tea. I had a convo with a friend recently. She thinks everyone has some sort of fetish, like foot fetish for example. She then asked me what mine was.

"LOL?" #awkwardlaugh

I do have a fetish but let's talk about that another time. #subtlechangeoftopic

Oh the fetish world. How I would like to explore and understand you better.

I am hoping to start reading this book called "Unprotected Texts" with Alison. It's all about sexuality and what the bible conveys on the topic. To all my non-Christian friends, you know how we Christians tend to judge right? (Then again, who doesn't) But you know how Christians are especially keen in regards to topics related to sex and sexuality. You know hwhy? It's because sex is such a taboo topic within the Christian circle that we don't necessarily know how to think about it for ourselves. In that sense, judgmental people are not necessarily mean or evil. They just lack perspectives. So give your Christian brothers and sisters a TED talk. Tell you the truth, we have been told over and over again by preachers that we shouldn't have sex before marriage and that we should keep our purity. Hopefully, the book I was referring earlier could demystify some of these attitudes. I mean I understand the heart behind the message. It is about commitment I think. In a sense, it could cause problems when you start sleeping with 10 different people in the same period of time. Relationships get strained. Also, you might develop some kind of sexual addiction. You see, there is no freedom in any kind of addiction. You start losing sight of who you are as a person and you become a machinery capable of only one feat/behavior/function. In the Christian lingo, we term this reality idolization. I think it is true that you become what you idolize. If you don't believe me, just look at my friend Jessie, who started to do crack recently. You really notice the difference. Her eyes are blood shot. No facial expressions of any kind. And she doesn't want to talk to me when I pass by. Her only preoccupation involves getting money so to purchase crack at the juice store next door. And should I judge her for doing drugs?

"Oh my glob, look at her, a crack head who doesn't know better?"

The answer is no. I honestly don't know what it is like or has been like for her to make those decisions in the first place. Plus, I certainly don't know what it feels like to be addicted to crack. But I get it because I also have my own addictions. Don't we all? So I know what it feels like to be controlled by these demons. At the end of the day, even though Jessie didn't necessarily make the best choices in life by doing crack, I at least hope she made those decisions out of a personal endorsement instead of a desire to rebel against the unjust society. I mean when you tread life always fearing others' judgment or being angry at the world, it is pretty paralyzing, stifling to say the least. That's why a big chunk of the message of the gospel is centered around inner freedom. It is pretty empowering when you realize that you are capable of choosing freely for yourself instead of being dictated by the dominions of this world. That you can freely give and forgive those who have hurt you. That you can be free from your past. That the future is fully and entirely exciting because you understand for the first time, who you are as a person and where your potential lies. Indeed, at the core of the bible lies a simple message: we are truly and fully accepted by God.

So it is okay to not be okay. This journey called life is not a lonely walk. God has indeed put people around you to support and love you. And as much as I am telling you this, I am the first guilty of soloism. You know, when you feel like you can solve all your problems on your own. And whenever I have something bothering me, I'd rather write about it then talking to someone, because well, it is more comfortable that way. But I consider myself to be very lucky. To have a loving community that accepts and loves me just the way I am. Even though, I so often don't give a crap about them, they are forgiving enough to be there for me whenever I need help. And that is why I am able to disclose myself in this way. That is why even though I feel vulnerable and naked after some daring composition, I let myself be reminded of the love people have shown me in the past. And let me tell you why I go to church on Sunday. It is probably different for everyone, but here is my side of the story. Something about hearing the message of God's love. It encourages you to accept yourself and your human condition, and at the same time, challenges you to become a wholesome and tender person. And man, the abundance of tears that I shed on a Sunday basis, it is refreshing to the soul. I always come out of the service renewed, letting go of sorrows accumulated during the week, while clothing myself in the magic of joy.

Ah. The unrequited love of my God. Wunderbar.