And thank God for blogs. Though I wonder sometimes if anyone gets annoyed with the things I share here.

"Omygash. He is doing it again. Over-sharing and trying to be vulnerable. Pretentious much?"

I acknowledge the fact that my intentions might not always be noble, but at the end of the day, this blog helps me tremendously in terms of self-discovery and self-understanding. And it beats writing in my journal any day. Have you ever wondered about the point of journaling anyway? Let's face it, nobody will ever read your journal. The possibility is slim for someone to stumble on it one day, secretly take a peek inside and go,


Honestly, why would anyone read your journal if you yourself wouldn't re-read it? (there are those who do ofc) Plus, you know who you are when I say some of you can't even be honest with yourself in your own journal. That is kinda sad. I mean what is there to hide anyways? Try bloggin already. So what if you exposed your thoughts. I get it though. It might not always be helpful to have an audience. Trust me when I tell you that it can be quite inhibiting when you actively think about what your roomie, for example, might think of your latest post. I try not to think too much about who might read my blog. But at the end of the day, I do care about what you think because I am trying to build a rapport of some sort with you. It has always been about fostering relationships, so hopefully you guys are getting to know me through this blog. And I am just praying that my readers are of non-judgmental nature. Anyway, all this to say that it is much easier to disclose myself here VS. me having to share everything in person. I have an ego too after all. My pride might not always want me to talk about personal stuff in front of yo face. So let's keep it intimate like dis, until I get over my fears and insecurities.

This one is about purpose.

A recent observation. I become anxious when I have nothing tangible to do.
See, I was waiting for the metro the other day.


It felt like an eternity.

So I checked my Instagram and Facebook. For at least 3 or 4 times. But nothing.
#NOTHING!
How come nobody liked my photos or sent me a private message?!?
Dat feeling again.
When you just want to talk to someone.
Because you don't want to talk to yourself. And you are scared to death of having to explore your own thoughts. 

The damages were done. You can perhaps assume that I have addiction issues. Or perhaps I have strayed away from God again.


Hmm maybe I am just bored?

All valid reasons really.
But let's move on.
Honeseriously though, I think the culprit is purpose.

What is purpose anyway. Is it a feeling? Because I have felt purposeless for months now. I told lil Kev recently how I feel like there's nothing worth looking forward to in my life. I mean I know I will start working in Feb, but it just doesn't quite excite me. Maybe it is still too far away? Or I am not feeling the repercussions or ramifications of that reality yet? Or maybe I am just too numbed to anything remotely related to the future.

Numbed to the future, good one Song.

Perhaps life has become this blank page. No matter how hard I try to write on it, the ink doesn't stick. Broken pen? Hmm that could be it. So what I mean is that the things that used to give me purpose just don't cut it anymore. And I dread going to bed at night because I know I would have to wake up the next morning, feeling purposeless. #again

See it doesn't really matter with what or how you try to fill up your schedule. Trust me when I say I am doing a lot too. Trying to meet up with people. Doing volunteering. Going to the gym. Helping people in the best ways I can. But what does all this amount to? What am I trying to achieve in life anyway? What is the purpose in all of this? When there is no personal agency or endorsement for the things you do, they become purposeless don't they? In that case, you might as well do nothing because it will just be a big waste of your time and others' for that matter.

A good indicator of the purposelessness syndrome = a simple question:
"How was your day?"

"How was my day? See I don't remember my day much kay? So why don't you give me a break. Stop asking me this all the time geez. I have nothing going on in my life, happy now? Is that what you wanted to hear? That I am just a useless piece of crap doing nothing but staying home all day? Hashtag frustration."

I clearly have a problem.

I mean I can easily just tell you that my day was fine, but oh no. On a deeper level, I really want to give you more material to work with. It is a conversation after all. I want to feel relevant. I want my life to have some meaning. I want it to have an impact. But aren't we all the same in a way?

"Just take me to heaven already, gash God."

I am missing the point again, aren't I?

I think now is a good time to take an honest look at my life. My life is obviously not where I want it to be. Result: I feel unfulfilled & crappy all the time. On one hand I want to do something about this whole situation, but I am really reluctant at the same time. It is real scary okay? To sit down with myself, trying to understand this dead brain of mine. Perhaps on a deeper level, I am scared that I won't find any concrete answers when I ask those tough questions. Who knows, maybe I am just a screw-up with no hope. Isn't that the worst when you find out that no matter how hard you try, you will still fail. So why try at all right? #identityissue #theoneonbeingafailure #itisallmental

On the other hand, my life as of now is like a five stars hotel. Comfort-certified. Ever since I got out of university, I stopped facing the future. No more deadlines, exams or sleepless nights studying for exams = YOLO. And I stopped pushing myself. Always opting for the stress-free option. Perhaps that is why I don't try hard anymore. I mean when you are not pushed to your core, you would only give the bare minimum. Mind you, intrinsic motivation is important and all, but external pressure is needed at times too. It is all about how you find your inner drive in times of needs.

Also, I know I need people to encourage and challenge me, but I just don't pick up the goddamn phone and ask. My justification, nobody is trustworthy enough. While in reality, I am just being a chicken bone soup. Scared to be challenged. Scared to be wrong in the way I live my life. Scared to lose control over myself and my decisions. Scared of what people might tell me or think of me. Even though I am always telling myself that I don't give a finger about what others think, I am in fact very preoccupied. I want to be likable. To be funny, entertaining and dependable. I mean who likes to feel needy and detestable right?

Re: control.

I fear losing control because of my relationship with my dad I think. Growing up, I always felt controlled or guilt-tripped by him. This boy learnt earlier on that authority can't be trusted.

Phew. Glad that got out of my chest. Before it festers any further.

So today, I got to talk to a psychologist/life coach, yay for me. He was a friend of my friend Jill. Half an hour we spent. (Usually he charges 100$/hour, so I guess I saved 50$ because it was free!) We talked about purpose, funnily enough.
Realization:
Purpose is something we need to actively seek for. It's like knowledge really. To know anything in life, we have to put up the effort to learn. Learning is not easy. In the same vein, ignorance is not bliss but laziness.
To know who we are in order to know what we want to do in life. It doesn't come quite easily don't you think. Ain't nobody gonna hand us a textbook or an instruction manual on how things work or what our purpose is. (well there is God and the bible, but I am trying to prove a different point here sigh) The point: we need to open our eyes and look for the solution ourselves sometimes. Give yourself a push already.

So tell me, how have you been looking for your purpose in life lately?