& SONG used SELF-ABSORB!

Today, at work, there was this moment where I just felt really sad, like for no reason. You know how it is. Life can get quite hectic and errday could look twinsies. I mean you try your best, keeping your neck barely above the water while go-go boying, survivor child style. But then, at that definite second, when you take a step back and re-locate your awareness, there's that thought, 

"What the hell have I been doing all this while?"

&

"Why the judge am I even here?"

Brace because soon after, the current of conscience that you have been ignoring WILL come to ambush & overpower you.

You know what's funny. I don't usually know what I want to write about until I write about it. Does any of y'all relate with this?

You know what else is funny? You know how I thrive in relationships? Well if you didn't know, I do. Me gusta peeps. Being in their presence, getting to know them, putting them on the spot, testing their patience, seeing how far I can go with them without offending them, exhibiting the worst behavior just to see if they would drake, digging out and exposing their weaknesses so I can figure out their coping style, engaging in inappropriate façons in their presence so to challenge dis social norms, etc. Yes dose people! That I luve. The deers. But the truth is I haven't had much human touch as of late, figuratively speaking ofc. How I miss just devouring and munching on those social delicacies! Defz my cup of cake, crowd that is. But more on the recent isolation episodes later. Anywayz, maybe it's an age thing. Maybe I am experiencing the middle life crisis again, you know, when life gives you the middle finger? By the way, you know how when you get married, you enter in this comfort state? And when you get divorced, you suddenly lose sight of yourself. Why? Because everything you did, you did it in the company of another. So without them, your stock market goes kaput. If you don't believe me, watch "Crazy, Stupid, Love". Good movie, trust. Same logic with life. When you get too cozy with life, or too fast too furious too crazy in love, there would be those times where life would give you the divorce papers, like out of nowhere. Okay this doesn't have to make sense. The take out food is this: when that happens, lesmisérables. But you know what is empowering? Being like those new-age turned-up housewives who shamelessly go out of their homesense in order to meet new eye-candies because life is too short and tmr is too who gives.

Do I miss the party scene? Maybe a little? But then again, I am always craving for attention, so no mystery there. What I do miss is...tell you a Vic secret? I have always fantasized about joining a squad, like the Friends crew or HIMYM crew. How cool would it be to do everything together with a fixed set? To always know that there will be someone out there available to hang? How I miss my Korea OG crew now. Maybe I should join a frat. Maybe that's where I belong. But on the other hand, I intuitively know that if I'm always stuck with the same peeps, it could drive me pistachios nuts. You know when you feel restrained, shiz WILL sholy go down in the elevator and your commitment level might slump to the dump. Maybe I am just speaking on behalf of myself, but ain't no way I am going to be tied down to a person (being married) or to a group of people. Say no to knots. Which is what I am telling you now, but you know how it is, our ways of thinking change as we grow. Thank God for that.

I hope I don't come across as much of a displeased and disillusioned old widow pointing fingers and criticizing each pixel of the universe. Oh well, if I was, what the deuce. But I do wish you could be here with me right now so we can have a real convo. It will be more entertaining that way. You know, one time, Jim introduced me to this online anonymous chat. Forgot the name, but I am sure if you asked, he will tell you. Anywayz. I had a lot of fun there, mostly for tripping and trolling purposes. But there were those rare and meaningful chats that take you beyond. You know. Those heartfelt talk when you would be telling each other all about your life and struggles. When you actually give a shiz, or at least trying, to be understanding and encouraging. Iz called the honeymoon phase bae. Wonderful yeh? Okay but my question to you is can we survive on words alone? You know. The make-you-feel-good ones and em spectacular praising ones. Yums! But sad. Why you asked? It amazes me how we have become so self-preservative to the point where we can only genuinely self-disclose in the anonymity of the web. #guilty

Let's move on. I think I've said enough. Although I don't feel like I have really talked about anything meaningful. Will go back to edit it all at the end, so keep on reading. Tell you wut, it is always interesting for me to read what I write. Sometimes, the fresh off the bakery werds don't always fluff and stick, as in they just don't make any freakish sense. And I be like, why would anyone even care to read these. That's why I have so many drafts sitting there, loneing/longing. BUT there would be those other times, when my writing would cause my body to cry or laugh. THEN, you just know it. That it's motherlicking good. 

So wherever you are at right now, holler! 

(I always try to end my post with a positive note in case you haven't noticed.)

Positive note. Positive note. Positive note.

Positive note. Negative note. Positive note.

Positive note. Positive note. Positive note.

#howyoudoin

#housewifelife

Photography by A-R Ovaska.