Final
1:14 PM
Those relationships, broken, in tatters. Never to be fixed again.
And I am left wondering, what are they thinking? Do they still care?
I can't believe I still struggle with insecurities. And that need to be validated, pervasive. It's time to dip into the unconscious again and work through the tangles and rose prickles.
Right, my foundation is cracked, leaking. I was never loved in the first place. Or is my perception tricking me?
Growing up, all I can remember: the shouting, isolating, crying & running away. Living in the contingency prison. Hair being pulled from all sides by rewards and punishments. That was all. I was but a social experiment. A barbarian needing to be socially conditioned. What dignity, what equality. We do not care about such things in the Great East, so suck it up and be da man.
Bursting of speech bubbles, each more hurtful than the previous:
"I don't give a fuck about you."
"Don't expect anything from me when you grow up."
"Don't you dare bring shame to our family name."
"Don't expect anything from me when you grow up."
"Don't you dare bring shame to our family name."
"When your ma dies, pack up your stuff and get the fuck out."
"You are lucky your ma is still alive, otherwise, you'd be bumming on the street by now."
"You are lucky your ma is still alive, otherwise, you'd be bumming on the street by now."
"But then again, that's all you are, a good for nothing loser."
"Why don't you know shit?"
"All we ask of you is to study and you can't even do that."
"Can you ever do anything right?"
"All we ask of you is to study and you can't even do that."
"Can you ever do anything right?"
Enough. No more. I understand. These are just some anger talks right? You do care about me deep down, do still want to be part of my life right? I just want to make you proud, but why am I failing so hard? Why am I never good enough in your eyes? I am sorry, for not having become the person you want me to be. Sorry that I am not a doctor, not a Harvard graduate, not a millionaire. Sorry that you gave birth to such a messed up and mental kid. I accept my disownment. I will no longer bother you, no longer disgrace you. Wishing you the best. Take good care of yourself because I unfortunately won't be able to.
Bye daddy. I will always love you.
Photography by joshuanderson.
