Shame.

Something we've all experienced at some point I am sure. Dunno much about other cultures, but growing up in the Chinese culture definitely taught me a thing or two about shame. First, you don't want to bring shame to yourself because that will affect your family too. And second, you don't want to bring shame to others because you don't want to come across as disagreeable. It is all about public image and reputation at the end of the day. You may ask, what happens when there is a conflict between two people? Good question. Three steps you simply need to follow:

1. Pretend that nothing is going on
2. Don't talk about it with the person involved because that'd bring shame to you and the other person (you can talk behind their back though, more acceptable)
3. Still act in a friendly way to that person in public (can't affect everyone else too just because of your own dramas)

The downside with this approach is that the underlying conflict will never get resolved. In fact, the feeling of resentment might increase with a multiplier of 10.

If you want to deal with your resentment, you would have to learn some shady tactics. Take a moment and think of anything that you can do to back-stab/poke the other person. Whatever suits your cup of tea. But be careful. You can't leave any proofs behind. Nobody can know that you were the artist behind the con. Otherwise, people will start pointing fingers at and ganking up on you. You certainly don't want that to happen to you. That could be the end of your social life as you know it. Keep in mind also. The other party might retaliate too, so be prepared for the mental Cold War. It can be a long & tedious battle, but fear not, for you will surely come out victorious. Just always be reminded of your objective: to be the last person standing or the one with the last laugh. So go get them tiger and make sure you don't show any signs of weakness. Before we part ways, you better also know the name of this ancient secret jutsu. It is called passive aggressivity. Okay class dismissed.

Actually there's a bit more material we need to cover.

So what if you don't like to play in those passive aggressive tournaments? Fear not, for there is always a second option. In fact, me, myself and I excel at this second strategy: the ninja shadow technique other known as avoiding. 

When I feel ashamed of myself or when I get into conflicts with people, I have this automatic reaction to run the furthest away possible from the cause. Trust me when I say I've done many shameful things in my life. Here's a short list:

- Purging my non-Christian friends off my Facebook when I came back from Korea.

Justification: I felt like they would judge me for my new found faith. Thought they might perceive me as a stupid ditz or weirdo for believing in God. It is definitely not scientific to believe in anything spiritual. I mean I might as well believe in UFOs and tooth fairies for that matter. (I am in the process of writing a post on why I believe in God, so stay tuned!)

- Purging my church Christian friends (even my pastor, gasp!) off me Facebook last year.

Justification: I was hurt by a brother from church and in my new found cynical eyes, I started to perceive everyone as uncaring and hypocritical/fake and #tobeavoided (This is called transference fyi + a bit of projection -> when you see everyone as fake but you are really the one being fake, aka can't be real with how you feel)

I am not proud of myself obviously. And those were not the only times. I have purged a lot more people in the past, for many many reasons. I was really behaving like a two years old, who thinks that nobody would be able to see them when they cover their eyes with their hands. #objectpermanence In the same way, I thought I wouldn't have to deal with or see those people again when I deleted them off my virtual social space. But oh boy, how I was wrong. There have been many and many awkward moments. You know. When you actually see them on the street. #SHAME #LOOKAWAY That is prolly why I am so good at coping with awkwardness now. Anywayz. I also suspect that shame and insecurities could go hand in hand. Whatever that causes me shame also causes me to feel insecure. And when you feel insecure, all these thoughts would come swirling right back at ya:

- "Nobody gives a shiz about you."

- "They are all judging you in their head, wondering why you are such a freak."

- "You are unlovable, you piece of shiz."

- "Why do you think your dad hates you."

- "Do yourself a favor. Get rid of those people before they get rid of you."

#victimmentality

These thoughts really do propel you to do cruel things to people. The sad part? You might not even realize what you are doing because you feel oh so justified. In that insecure park, you would tell yourself anything to clear your conscience of guilt & remorse. Slowly, you would become hardened to the people around you. You start telling yourself that because nobody cares about you, you don't give a F about them either. They can all burn in hell for that matter. But what you don't realize is that you are actually the one in hell, full of bitterness. And these insecure thoughts really become like a semi-drug of sort to you. You indulge in them because they give you a temporary relief from your superego/conscience. Help your mind, help yourself, right? But it is really a downward slope from there. Trust me, I've been there. That was me even last year. I had no guilt or remorse for anything. In fact, it was very easy for me to leave behind the people who cared about me and to shut myself inside the closed doors of my heart. #sasukecomplex That's why I think everyone should have a friend like Naruto. I found mine in Jesus and my bros & sis in Christ.

(Come to think of it, Naruto did have a savior complex #enlightenment)

And these thoughts. Do they sound similar?

"Who gives a F about friends anyway. I can always make new ones. Worst case, I can always move to another city. This is but life. Nobody gives a shiz about nobody in this world. Why should I be the one who cares? In fact, everyone who cares are all fake goodie-two-shoes!"

If this is you, let me tell you that I am really sorry that you had to experience all that pain and suffering by yourself, but there is hope. I know because I've been there. If I can be honest with you, I am only starting to realize the negative impact of my past actions. How I ditched all my friends from CEGEP & McGill, who all prolly don't give a damn about me anymore. But that is okay because this time, I want to be the one making things right. To amend for my past sins. I can't believe I used to be so heartless. I was a terrible person. It brings tears to me eyes just thinking about it. I think I am finally learning how to deal with my shame. I can't just repress it, but I need to express it, especially to the people I have hurt. I know I don't deserve any forgiveness, but somewhere in my heart, I really wish I can be accepted again. The hardest part lies in the journey back. Even though I know I might be rejected or turned the cold shoulder (funny because I did the exact same thing to others), I want to be able to place my hope in Jesus. I am just reminded of a passage in the Bible when Jesus asked his Father, while he was on the cross, to forgive the people who crucified him because they didn't know what they were doing. In the same vein, I hope my God can forgive me of my trespasses too. And I hope that He can soften my friends' hearts enough so they are willing to even hear my apology. But either way, it is time to pick up my cross and walk that walk of shame with my Lord. #jesusknows